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Familiar Ground
So you find yourself sitting alone wondering how in the world this has happened to you again. You were just going along as usual when something came up that got you into behavior you yourself don’t even like…yet you still engage in it because it meets some unconscious need that you are vaguely aware of; however you are at odds with yourself regarding this because you recognize that you are not really doing what you want to be doing and this always leaves you feeling somewhat dissatisfied and unhappy with your own choices and the actions that rise out of them. Then someone close to you has the misfortune of questioning you on it and things just get worse from there as you feel they are questioning your validity and are not supportive of you. You gear up for an attack and a battle ensues that makes you feel even worse until you’re sitting there afterwards wondering at what just happened. So what do you do?
Recognize this as an opportunity…whenever you don’t have an answer to a situation that is reappearing you know instantly that you have caught yourself in a pattern! Congratulate yourself…for this is the first step to actually being able to change it!
There is a reason that you have entered this pattern in the first place and the reason is that you have used this behavior to get a need met. So the second step is to identify the need. Maybe you need to be recognized, right, loved, needed, safe, important, in control or valuable. Maybe you are looking for total mastery over something in order to be prepared or maybe you need permission to be you, to achieve something, to get what you want or to make everyone else o.k. in the attempt to be peaceful yourself. Sit with the situation until the need rises to the top…you’ll be able to track it down through complaining thoughts. Sit quietly and feel your way around them…ask, what is it that I feel I need to be o.k. right now? Or play a word association game starting with the sentence, I would be o.k. if…? Write your answers down and then examine them.
If you feel the need to be right try asking yourself what “right” is? Who says so? How do you come to this conclusion? Try taking the idea of perfection out of it and see how that feels. If you need to feel close to others or loved, ask yourself how your value is affected by someone else’s love? How do you know they love you and why should that matter? Try on what it feels like not to “do” in order to be loved. If you need to do something valuable in order to be valuable ask yourself why a particular activity is valuable? Will you ever have done enough to get it? Don’t certain things have value outside of their function? Watch a flower and notice how enjoyable it is outside of its function. In each of the examples mentioned here we have taken the need and re-framed it…notice if you feel even the slightest relief. The relief is a symbol of how the thoughts you hold around the need are affecting you.
After re-framing the need, try on a positive healing thought and see how much more relief you experience. You might think to yourself that maybe others are right, maybe someone else does have a better idea, or maybe I could let someone else do this, maybe it’s o.k. to do something good for myself, too. Maybe I don’t have to be the best all the time, maybe they might like me for who I am, maybe I’m not the only one who feels this way, maybe they are supporting me and loving me in the way that they know how, maybe I can trust people, let them know what I need and still be o.k. Maybe this will work out just fine…I don’t have to be prepared for everything. Maybe I already have enough and there’s nothing really better I could be doing right now. Maybe I’m not missing out. Maybe their intentions are good, maybe I could let my heart out a little. Maybe I can make a difference just because I’m me. Maybe I’m more powerful than I think.
Conclusion
If you find yourself feeling relief after experiencing the healing thought, then you have identified a belief about your needs that does not serve you. It is that perspective that creates the conflict and drives you toward experiences that you already know don’t work. You’ve tried this same method to meet the need many times and you know it doesn’t work, that is why you were able to identify it as a pattern…so the deeper question becomes, is there another way to get this need met?
By working on your perspective…you can find one.
