Depression: A Spiritual Awakening
Like many people (it might even be safe to say most people) I haven’t gotten this far in life without traversing a few bouts of depression. My first was in late childhood, my second was in my teen years and my third was alcohol related in my early twenties.
These episodes were marked by an inability to function normally. I didn’t just feel down or a little blue…I felt completely and totally incapable of handling life. Overwhelmed, I crawled inside myself into my own mind and retreated from the world…almost like a cocooned butterfly. I like this analogy a lot because I think it describes beautifully the process of transformation that can occur when a person spiritually finds their way out of depression.
Seeing the good that can come of depression, viewing it as a crossroads in life or better yet as an opportunity to elevate your state of consciousness is what this post is about.
Heightened Sensitivity
When I was a child I loved to talk to God. I had long conversations with him while searching for four-leaf clovers in the front yard of our house or daydreaming in the grass creating shapes from the passing clouds. I didn’t have any brothers or sisters until I was twelve, so I would go off by myself in nature and that is when I would notice the shift in energy…even at a young age I could identify it as friendly and loving and interested in being around me.
I was extremely sensitive to everything when I was small and could literally feel the change of a mood fall over someone. This sensitivity manifested as extreme shyness but really some people were just too much for me; their energy was uncomfortable. The shyness was a way of shutting down and getting away.
Misunderstood Abilities and Depression
Eventually, as I grew older not understanding my own sensitivity, I grew depressed. A 4.0 student, I could no longer function at school. I could function fine at home…but not at school. Why? Because of my clairsentient nature…high school was too full of drama. The highs and lows of everyone around me made me lose my grounding…but no one, not even myself could explain or understand this. I felt alienated, alone and inexplicably flawed despite my many strengths.
The Quiet Strength of Nature
It took several years of a nomadic life that included long periods of being isolated in nature before I could tolerate groups and crowds of people again. The judgement surrounding how I couldn’t function and the ‘not rightness’ of the situation melted into the background.
Although, I felt my loss of spirit acutely I did not know how to get it back. I developed a refuge in nature; the ocean in particular had a very positive affect on me and it was no accident that we happened to live off of the Northern California Coast for a period during this time. The pounding surf restored my spirit and soothed my sensitive nature just as the tide resets the sand at the end of each day.
The Small Still Voice Within
It was during these periods when I would spend hours at a time with my toes in the sand, watching the waves feeling warm, content and mindless that I started to hear a distant yet familiar voice directing my attention toward my early God experiences…it was some time before I was ready to pick up those experiences again but a part of me knew that my answer lay in that direction. Sitting and watching the waves brought the only true joy I knew at the time to the surface…stimulating the healing process as something inside of me stirred…and the nomad learned the real meaning of home…which is oneness with spirit.
A Repeated Process
My bouts of depression always followed the same pattern. I would get overwhelmed which would turn into depression which would be healed by nature and diving into the physical body…in other words, getting out of my head. Each time, my life situation pulled me out of the healing process before it was complete and so I entered the cycle again…only to watch a repeat performance. When I finally got it…I broke free; the memories and experiences of those times serving as valuable landmarks in the spiritual journey ahead.
How We Heal
After years of experiencing life through my ego and the unhappiness that it brings I can say that everything that happens to us is meant to teach us about ourselves. When we extract those lessons, we learn how we heal.
Looking back on my depression experiences…I see such great value in them that I am filled with appreciation for this opportunity that we call life…through which I serve my spirit, learn to live and to heal…one breath at a time 
Comments
By Aidan on March 26th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Thanks
By Paula Kawal on March 26th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Hi Aidan,
You’re very welcome
Much love,
PK
By Tejvan Pettinger on May 9th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
It is not just a cliche to say ‘the night is darkest before the storm’. When we feel empty inside we strive for something deeper.
By Matt on May 9th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
At last, some one who has felt depression the same way I feel it and has discovered a possible remedy.
I never realized what it was about quiet stillness that calmed me, but this entry helped me figure it out.
Thank you for making me feel less alone.
By Paula Kawal on May 10th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Hi Tejvan,
Perhaps that is the purpose of emptiness…our storms breaks us open to the possibilities we refuse to see.
Matt,
I’m so glad that you are creating understandings that are serving to reconnect you to yourself. After all, we’re most lonely for own depths
Give yourself lots of love, understanding and permission to be you!
Loads of love to you both,
PK
By Everything Counts on July 10th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Really good piece of writing. Overcoming such phases of life can be really a challenge, but once we have done so life is truly beautiful.
By Rinda on July 28th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Hello there. I am so happy I came across your story. I can relate to it. You explained your experience with depression very clearly for me. I can’t believe it, I feel the same way about myself. My whole life I never understood about myself, only lately I came to realize all my negative emotions I felt were depression and anxiety, I am mentally crippled, I stay at home, I could not function outside my home. I have a masters degree in health science, but I feel helpless. You tell your experience with depression beautifully. I hope you don’t mind my commenting on a older post of yours. Your post is an inspiration to me.
By Paula Kawal on July 28th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
@ Everything Counts - In my life I’ve found beauty in the most unexpected of places…my key has been to view events from a place of non-judgment and suddenly like magic, the Light reveals a perfection of spirit that is simple, powerful and absolutely divine =)
@ Rinda - I am so glad that my story is providing you with a sense of inspiration. As I was reading your comment it came to me that many of us (myself included) experience depression to open the doorway to our shadow selves. What most of us are trying to do, even though we don’t usually recognize it, is meet and bring love and forgiveness to the parts of ourselves that we have deemed “bad”, the dark secrets that we fear would make us “unlovable” if anyone were to know.
We listen to that voice that says, “If people knew what I was really like it would be all over” and we lock these parts away and hide them from the light for the majority of our lives…desperately hoping that in this way we are insuring ourselves a chance at love and acceptance.
The others around us are doing something similar and we are all playing a game in which we’ve become supremely good at pretending we are perfect while secretly believing that we are terrible creatures at our core.
When we face our shadows and bring them love and forgiveness, we discover all the gifts these shadow selves actually provided to and for us, we integrate them and they become a strength rather than something we hide, ignore and run away from. This is a crucial step in developing self-love.
It comes down again to our self-judgment and when we are depressed it is usually the parts that hold our sorrow, shame and pain crying out for love and healing…all they need is our conscious attention and for us to accept them to be able to live once again, in the light =)
My friend Patricia Singleton blogged about her experience doing this with the rage and sadness she needed to heal as a result of childhood incest in the following post:
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/12/journey-within-coaching-session-with.html
Much love to you both!
Paula Kawal
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